no one knows

In a new (but ancient) twist on television crime dramas involving unsolved murders, a leading broadcaster is hoping to lure devout Christian viewers with a series of shows called “No One Knows.”
 
In each episode, the body of a murdered person will be found in field. None of the leaders of the surrounding towns will know who killed the person, whereupon they’ll get together in a nearby valley where there is a stream but no crops. Having already selected a young male cow that has never worked from the herd of the village closest to the field where the body was found, they will break the cow’s neck. Then, the assembled leaders will wash their hands over the dead cow and say, “We had no part in this murder, and we don’t know who did it.”

The show’s producers have indicated that each segment will feature a new valley location, and that a varying cast of star-studded male actors will play the village leaders. Spoiler alert! For anybody who wants to not actually watch the series and find out whether or not at the end of each episode the Christian god Yahweh forgives the town leaders for a murder they didn’t commit, read Deuteronomy 21 from the Bible’s Old Testament.

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑麥

'Slow' Leigh butts shore leave

To the surprise of only the vessel's newest crewmembers, Captain Briyan F. Leigh of the U.S.S. Abu Ghraib canceled all requests for shore leave during the attack group's scheduled docking at Cebu City, Philippine Islands. (Procurement officers shall be allowed access to markets on shore.) Said executive officer Lieutenant Quincy Klein-Trask, a sleep-deprived man who appeared to be overseeing work on a half-dozen different tasks: “Captain Leigh deliberated at great length over whether or not to grant his sailors access to the Philippine population while this ship is tied up securely in her berth, deciding only after much soul searching and many long, midnight walks, to keep everyone on board.”

Captain Leigh's efforts are being mirrored by some of the group's other senior officers, including Captains 'Hesitant' Horace Greysound, Jr. and 'Deliberate' Dean Kwantzik. Said ensign Tieresza Rainnholds, of the U.S.S. Guantanamo Bay, who hails from Great Bend, Wyoming, on condition of anonymity, “We suspected that old Slow Leigh would cancel shore leave after those mishaps during our recent training in the Sea of Japan. This crew, however, was innocent in the matter; Captain Boris 'Be-There-In-A-Jiffy' Yu even admitted during his court martial that he authorized the shelling of that village. I'm pissed – the boys and I have been looking forward to snorkeling C4A Mile Bay for months, now. But, at least this time, we got a few hours' warning; last time, half of the ship's crew had been lined up at the gangplanks with packed bags for a good hour before a passing bosun's-mate crushed our spirits, telling us to go stow our bed-rolls.”

This is not the first time that Captain 'Slow' Leigh butted shore leave; he canceled it back in 2008 after weeks of teeth-grating contemplation, deciding at the last minute to jeopardize crew morale for the sake of decorum and as a way to remind junior officers to take things easy, saying in a memorandum that he considered it poor form to run about making decision all half-cocked, and willy-nilly.

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