clad in black

Ron Bleibfest, former police chief of Willow Grove (AK) and current chairman of the Police Officers Regional & National Union (PORNU) addressed a group of reporters today to speak on recent controversies surrounding statements attributed to his organization. “We at Reggie Nash think that America should be as safe as possible,” he said whilst standing in the parking lot of an events hall somewhere near Baton Rouge, Louisiana. “Statistically speaking, people of Arab descent carry out more terrorist attacks than any other group, worldwide, as we have stated correctly. It makes sense, therefore, for we concerned citizens to monitor them and control their movements here at home, which is why, even if it makes us unpopular, PORNU supports the policies in question and stands behind the statements made.” A dozen men clad in black riot gear emerged from an unmarked van parked nearby, to form a phalanx behind Mr. Bleibfest. Armed with automatic rifles and wearing balaclavas, their name tags had been blacked using tape, as had the reference numbers on their shields. Mr. Bleibfest then shouted at dishwasher Luis Rodriguez, who was walking past on the way to a workshift, yelling at him to “Back up” and not “crowd me.” One of the masked agents immediately battered Mr. Rodriguez, grabbing him by the upper arm and yanking him backward. Not having seen his assailant, Mr. Rodriguez tried to pull away, after which he was forced to the ground by a half dozen officers shouting at him to “Stop resisting.” He was shot with a less-than-lethal device, maced, handcuffed, then taken to a waiting cruiser. “That man was clearly resisting arrest, which in a safe America cannot be tolerated,” Mr. Bleibfest proclaimed, chuckling with apparent joy. Warily, Regina Stockmight of the Southern Regional Journal, Jackson (MS) said, “The frequency of encounters in which police officers have shot unarmed individuals appears to be increasing. Do you think this is because police officers are acting more violently during roadside encounters, or that there are more people with cameras recording merely isolated incidents?” “Is that a weapon?” Ron then yelled, recoiling from the recording device the young lady was pointing at him. “I think she’s got a gun!” At the mention of the word gun, almost all of the blacked-out officers raised their weapons, with one of them firing a high-velocity round into the midsection of Ms. Stockmight. The fresh hole in her spine caused her to crumble to the ground. The agent who fired the round began to cry, whereupon one of his colleagues moved over to comfort him, stepping through the pooling blood and over the twitching body of Mrs. Stockmight. “That woman appeared to have a weapon, which caused me to fear for my life,” Mr. Bleibfest said, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Therefore, her shooting was justified, as in a safe America police officers must be able to protect their own lives - at all cost and regardless of the health and safety of anyone who’s not a police officer. Let’s thank the brave, selfless men standing behind me today for protecting us from the type of dangerous and criminal elements that are threatening to tear this country apart.” Fifteen minutes later, an ambulance showed up to collect the dead body, and to treat the wounded hands of police officers who had spent the intervening minutes beating a few of the camera operators - for loitering.

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