governor slays dealers

True to his pledge to publicly execute persons harming Mainers, the state's governor, Paul Le Page, today beheaded two (2) executives of a leader sugar corporation as well as two (2) convenience store owners. “These sick – and now, thankfully, dead – people conspired to advertise and sell products packed with toxic levels of their addictive substance to children,” the governor said whilst standing in fresh, pooling blood. “Hooked, those children continued to consume 'White White' until they reached adulthood, when the substance commonly known as sugar overwhelmed their kidneys, which failed. Despite the best treatment available here in our great northern state, fine Mainers succumbed to the damage wrought upon them by the uncaring and solely profit-oriented importers of deadly, addictive, and highly-processed saccharose.” The governor's aides have issued threats against the importers and distributors of alcohol and cigarettes as well as the manufacturers of firearms, and knives. “Let this be a warning to anyone who dares distribute potentially dangerous items to the good people of my beloved Maine,” Le Page said, sweeping his arm over the cooling bodies piled at his feet. “We will not rest until anyone who offers for sale things that might harm us is six feet under.”

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

read this, smokers of tobacco

  Additional cigarette-smoking permits available – act now, limited numbers available. The California Department for the Restriction of Freedom (CDRF) has printed additional permits for persons seeking to smoke tobacco in public. It is illegal to simply light up, and citizens interested in sparking that cancer-stick on the street are advised to initiate the proper paperwork necessary to start the arduous process of obtaining one of these permits.

  In a press release issued today the CDRF stated that it restricts the liberty of the tobacco-smoking population in this fashion in hopes of silencing complaints from marijuana smokers, those violent and vociferous vagrants who grovel gladly before the CDRF for permission to pursue their Happiness. To insure the domesticTranquility and to secure the Blessings of Liberty to all citizens equally, smokers of any type of tobacco must henceforth obtain permits before they shall be allowed to smoke in public their preferred substance.

  The elected leaders of the State of California and the appointed heads of the Department for the Restriction of Freedom began using the permit system when they discovered they could deliver vast profits to their prison-owning cronies by outlawing the use of addictive substances other than those sold or regulated by the State itself (prescription medication, alcohol, sugar). In addition to printing this batch of new tobacco-smoking permits, the CDRF is accepting applications from individuals seeking to drink coffee in public, from people wishing to gain or to lose body-weight, to cut their own hair, or to prepare their own food, and from citizens seeking to possess and to read books. Act now – limited numbers available.

  - reporting for The Violent & Vociferous Vagrant is HELLO MY NAME IS WHORPHAN

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