eighteen beers consumed

Following his long-standing tradition of avoiding feeling feelings and self-medicating using a hard but readily available and socially acceptable drug, local aid recipient Harold K. P. Trask finished his eighteenth beer of the day. “My life is awesome,” he said, ignoring fully the sadness held tightly by a heart broken once in junior high-school, his overstrained liver struggling to deal with the gallon and a half of fermented sugar water he’d just forced down his gullet. He stretched out on the worn cushions of his second-hand couch and patted his protruding belly in apparent satisfaction.

Surveying the frayed remnants of his second failed marriage by glancing briefly at a couple of framed photographs perched on a nearby shelving unit, he tried to decide between between ordering a pizza or frying up the rest of a refrigerated flank-steak that had gone gray a week earlier. “Better safe than sorry,” he said, punching his choices into a pizza ordering application loaded onto his mobile phone.

Standing up a half hour later to grab the slab of cheesy baked dough from the delivery person, he felt terribly dizzy, a state he attributed to moving too quickly caused in reality by severe malnutrition, acute vitamin deficiency, and decades of self-neglect. Craving protein to balance out the avalanche of carbohydrates he’d consumed in the previous period of wakefulness, Harold’s body compelled him to retrieve the flank-steak from the back of the fridge and fry it up with some butter. His second and third chakras suffocating behind overstrained intestines, their information lost in the static of chronic indigestion, he settled back into the couch, and smiled weakly.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

governor slays dealers

True to his pledge to publicly execute persons harming Mainers, the state's governor, Paul Le Page, today beheaded two (2) executives of a leader sugar corporation as well as two (2) convenience store owners. “These sick – and now, thankfully, dead – people conspired to advertise and sell products packed with toxic levels of their addictive substance to children,” the governor said whilst standing in fresh, pooling blood. “Hooked, those children continued to consume 'White White' until they reached adulthood, when the substance commonly known as sugar overwhelmed their kidneys, which failed. Despite the best treatment available here in our great northern state, fine Mainers succumbed to the damage wrought upon them by the uncaring and solely profit-oriented importers of deadly, addictive, and highly-processed saccharose.” The governor's aides have issued threats against the importers and distributors of alcohol and cigarettes as well as the manufacturers of firearms, and knives. “Let this be a warning to anyone who dares distribute potentially dangerous items to the good people of my beloved Maine,” Le Page said, sweeping his arm over the cooling bodies piled at his feet. “We will not rest until anyone who offers for sale things that might harm us is six feet under.”

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