docile raccoons for sale

Looking for that perfect birthday present for your sister's preschooler? Can't think of what to bring to your cousin's wedding? Agonizing over how to bring a smile to your spouse's face? If so, we at Ray B.'s Once-Wild Animal Sanctuaries have just the thing for you! Look no farther than through the steel-wire-mesh fence at our newest batch of docile, panting, oh-so-cuddly raccoons! Each frothy-mouthed beast comes with a pair of thick leather gloves to make handling and petting a safe and fun-filled breeze!

Watch with wonder as these normally-wild animals toddle over and all but lay down at your feet, begging for you to bring your thin-skinned fingers close enough to their mouths for them to bite you. Those little rascals! Their confused and often aggressive antics are sure to light up any stuffy office party, and their sweat-slick pelts all but beg to be washed, combed, and prettied up with lacy, red bows. Have a 'coon-combing party! Dare your friends to pull shiny coins from their pulsating, swollen throats! It's so much fun, we double-dog-dare you to do it.

Dear friends, loyal customers, do not delay further! So come on down to Ray B.'s for a furry little wonder of your own, today. (We also sell docile opossums, befuddled flying squirrels, toddling tree-squirrels, and addled baby deer, all of which come with a pair of thick, Kevlar-lined leather handling-gloves and the telephone number for your nearest infectious-disease clinic.)

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funeral dirigible for rent

Inappropriate Customs Ltd. (ICL) is now accepting rental applications for its line of funeral dirigibles. These light-weight airships are capable of hovering over any space – be it the parking-lot of a church, a funeral home, or a cemetery – blotting out the sun and casting such gloom as is necessary to maintain a proper level of despondent sadness at depressing events such as these. For an additional fee, ICL will have tarps printed depicting the likeness of the deceased person, draping them over the sides of their semi-rigid airships so that the dead might, just one last time, be able to cast an admonishing, spiteful gaze over friends and family. At additional cost, loudspeakers hanging from the operator's gondola can be made to play a selection of funeral dirges, slow funeral marches, or any music the surviving persons might want to listen to as they walk with halting, deliberate steps back to their individual automobiles before speeding off to the four points of the compass without ever needing to really speaking to each other, ever again. To offset the cost of rental, ICL suggests charging funeral attendees to take guided tours of the airship as it rises and descends above the assembled masses. Tours include a walk around the superstructure, a lesson in small engine repair, and a complimentary sick-bag for any person needing to vomit. Individuals interested in touring the dirigible should be prepared to climb rickety ladders, they should not be afraid of tight, enclosed spaces, and they should be non-smokers, since the helium that keeps these suckers air-buoyant is really, really flammable.

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