oil producers wanted

An industry-leading grease and lubricant conglomerate is seeking volunteers to test a new method for producing valuable, small-batch oils. The interested person should not be claustrophobic and must be able to wear an air-tight compression suit during all hours of the day and night, for weeks on end. Participants must be familiar and comfortable with catheterization as well as the (potential) use of a colostomy bag.

Volunteers will be required to wear a suit designed to capture such oils as the human skin constantly produces. Once a month during the three (3) months-long study, said oils will then be harvested by a trained technician and tested for their potential use in cosmetics and heavy manufacturing. The method of harvest will proceed as follows: first, most of the accumulated skin-mat is removed via pneumatic suction applied through nozzles placed at strategic locations across the suit; then, non-invasive scraping administered by a dermatology specialist removes any remaining accumulations.

The interested person must be willing to alter his general diet and volume of food-intake according to company-mandated guidelines. Non-married (single) persons are preferred for this study.

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑麥

graffiti removal team warned in court

In county court today, seventeen members of a graffiti removal team were charged with destroying and defacing public property. Seen to be armed with metal-scraper-tipped poles, the individuals were witnessed poking at and otherwise leaving large and prominent scratches upon dozens of utility and traffic-signal poles throughout the greater Los Angeles area (LA). In their defense, the accused stated that they had been hired to remove accumulations of stickers, wheat-paste posters, and other street art, and that the scratches were merely a byproduct of their lawful efforts. Judge Geisternand, presiding, allowed as evidence tapes from cameras operated by the city's Department of Transportation (LADoT) that had filmed inadvertently at least eight of the seventeen individuals using paint-brush-tipped broom-sticks to paint a great number of poles with layer upon layer of a light-gray paint so thoroughly underwhelming as to cause passing drivers to fall asleep at the wheel. Pictures of the damage perpetrated by these Artwork Desecration Teams can be found at the LADoT's own website, under subsection Lunacy, by clicking the tab entitled Oh My What Have We Done.

When asked about the reasons why LA chooses to defile indiscriminately its very own precious and irretrievable works of art, the honorable K. D. Geisternand stated from among the darker recesses of her chambers: “How these people are allowed to deface and to destroy this city's street art; how they are paid to thoroughly scratch up previously untouched metal telephone poles; how they are sent out, in broad fucking daylight, to unceremoniously paint over some of the finest graffiti the world has ever seen; these things I do not understand.” The seventeen were released with a severe warning, but Judge Geisternand docked the graffiti removal teams' organizer, a company owned by the company formerly known as Halliburton, a surliberty of ten whorphans, and sentenced its executive officers to life without joy.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit