‘manly’ car unveiled

In an apparent effort to stand out in a market saturated with look-alike models that readily conform to government standards for comfort and safety, ### ### announced today the 2018 release of the ### Torment. 

Featuring front and rear bench-seating made from jagged plywood, a steering wheel and stick-shift of shoddily welded pig-iron, no seatbelts, no airbags, and a front dash covered with hastily cured fiberglass panels, the Torment is expected to attract consumers looking to eschew comfort for a sense of backwoods ruggedness. A leaf-spring suspension and supercharged V12 engine round out the two-door Torment’s ensemble, ensuring it has too much speed and too few safety measures to keep its driver or passengers alive for long.

Buyers of the Torment will be required to sign a waiver excusing ### ### from any and all liability. For customers interested in treating wounds caused by the vehicle, the deluxe Torment T1 model comes with a first-aid kit made up of a packet of fast-setting tar, a wooden applicator stick, a single roll of cotton bandages, and a jar of castor oil.

[The manufacturer’s name has been removed upon request. (This is a work of satire.)]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan