on elliptical effects

Eight months after purchasing it at a curbside yard sale, local resident Harry D. Bhagg, 47, dragged his once-prized elliptical workout machine back out into the street. “I have had a hard time finding the motivation to exercise alone,” the man said, the tendons in his forearms creaking and straining. The elliptical would be in his life for many weeks to come, however, as its massive bulk meant it was too large for the municipal trash collectors and too unwieldy for private services to pick up. After receiving a fourth warning letter from city hall, Harry D. Bhagg dragged out his wrench set and spent three hours tearing apart the machine, which proved to be the workout he’d long been hoping for. “Phew, I’m spent,” he said whilst putting away his tools. “Time for a beer.” He then proceeded to consume 2000 calories worth of hopped malt and frozen pizza, ruining his short-lived streak of healthy living and plunging headlong back into a vicious cycle of self-loathing, regret, and poor decision-making. “Such is life,” he said, climbing into bed, where he slept until his bursting bladder forced him to wake up an hour later.

© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥