women choose wisely

Sick and tired of the status quo, and fed up with Washington's shell game of politics-as-usual, women – who make up a majority of the American voting population – chose wisely this November 6th by electing Gary Johnson to the presidency. (This article is an obvious fake, as Americans do not elect their president; he is chosen for them by the electoral college.) At once shocked by the Republican assault on female reproductive rights and appalled by its attempts to deny homosexuals such rights as are granted to heterosexuals, Ynki voters possessing of two (2) X chromosomes had also had enough of president Obama's crack-down on the right of fully-emancipated adults to use drugs of their choice, including marijuana.

“We've had enough of this bullshit,” said Staci-Rose Fluenchif, chairperson of the New Ynki Women's Freedom Council (NYWFC), while inspecting a shelter for battered women in downtown Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. “I'm sick of watching two greased politicians yelling statistics back and forth at each other during their so-called debates, both of them dancing around the issues yet neither really saying anything of substance. Hillary Clinton's efforts at (the) State (Department) notwithstanding, we think that the Democrats, in a hundred and fifty years of existence have failed to do enough to to protect freedom or to spread opportunity equally amongst the various peoples of this land; and the Republicans, well, they seem to have just completely dropped the ball, lounging around in their plush D.C. offices and finger-banging each other over their efforts to destroy the rights of gays and lesbians. Unbelievable.” Walking while she talked, chairperson Fleunchif also managed to review a steady stream of Council-related documents coming in on her hand-held tablet computer.

Upon hearing the news, former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson breathed a sign of relief. “Now, things are really going to get interesting,” the freshly-minted president said. “With the backing of the NYWFC, and with such overwhelming numbers of women voting for the libertarian ideals of freedom and reduced taxation, this election signals the end of the old political processes and an ushering-in of a new era of peaceful prosperity for all Americans large and small, gay and straight, male and female, dark of skin and pale of face. In the weeks leading up to this decision, my staff and I kept seeing sterile-looking properties with their meticulously-kept yards and a Romney/Ryan flag out front, figuring it likely that most of those homes had at least one woman living in them whose voice had been cowed into silence by years of both outright and passive-aggressive male chauvinism coming not only from a husband's political party but also from a pastor or priest and from the constant stream of vituperative effluvia coming from today's conservative talking heads, on television. Our decision to speak directly to these women payed off in that they finally woke up to their own enormous, untapped potential and voted for the only party dedicated to the ideals upon which this nation was founded, those being the right to choose for ourselves how to Live, to choose for ourselves how to be free, and to choose for ourselves what activities or substances make us Happy.” Here, president Johnson paused to answer a congratulatory telephone call from Nelson Mandela. “My fellow Americans, today our successful future lies, as it always has lain, in the gentle hands of this nation's women. May Lady Liberty herself bless you with long, healthy lives and quick, painless deaths. Mahalo.”

© mentiri factorem fecit (場黑麥)