candidates end campaigns

After reviewing dozens of separately-conducted polls and spending long hours analyzing scores of different cost-benefit-analyses, the presidential campaigns of both President Obama and his Republican rival, Mitt Romney, decided – nearly simultaneously – to end their efforts to hold or to gain the White House. “This whole damn business just doesn't add up, anymore,” said Mr. Obama while carefully measuring four fingers of fine Tennessee cognac into a crystal goblet, which he promptly emptied. “We asses and elephants have eroded the concept of Liberty in America so greatly as to have all but driven it from these shores,” the President continued as he roamed around the Oval Office, at times practicing throwing his knives at a round wooden target, at times staring dejectedly out at the heavily-armed and stone-faced guards prowling the iron gates of his prison-like, tax-payer-funded office complex. Sighing deeply, Mr. Obama ran a hand through his rapidly graying hair and lamented having run for public office at all, let alone for the post of Head Honcho.

“I don't at all envy Barack his lofty post,” declared former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney from his tastefully-decorated war rooms that sprawl across the top three floors of the Hamilton Hotel a few blocks down from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington, D.C. “And, frankly, I don't quite remember who talked me into trying to take over for him, or who convinced me to expose myself and my family to such enormous stresses, strains, and scrutiny. Fuck, man, all I want to do is to go chill on a boat somewhere, and maybe have a relaxing swim.”

The end of the Obama and the Romney campaigns has led most voters to support Gary Johnson, the candidate for the Libertarian Party, who plans to do away with the federal government's less necessary and more anti-democratic offshoots such as the Department of Justice (DOJ) and the Transit Security Authority (TSA), and to end such absurdly wasteful practices as stealing money from honest and upstanding individual citizens and giving that money to industrial farming operations in the form of free-market-destroying subsidies. Said Mr. Johnson from a rented RV parked a few exits outside the Beltway, “This is big, big news, my fine and Truth-loving fellow Americans; the erstwhile top dogs are now out of the race, and the people of this land are fed up with the political status-quo in Washington – with its failed War On Drugs, its tendency to redistribute wealth to the already-wealthy, its granting of favors to rich lobbyists and other financially-well-off special interest, its constant war-mongering, and its support for a massive military-industrial-complex that profits only when the various peoples of the world kill each other. We Libertarians now have the opportunity to replace all of these negative and freedom-destroying aspects of government with simple and straight-forward measures designed to Secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, in direct accordance with the Constitution of the United States of America. I know that it'll suck for me if I actually do become President, but somebody, at some point, was going to have to reign in fantastically over-extended governmental power, and, well… shit – I'll do it.”

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