president receives prize

Citing his proven track record of depraved and violent acts designed to force the peaceful and independent peoples of the world to follow his country’s every whim and fancy, the Noble Committee today bestowed its coveted ‘War Prize’ upon the sitting American president. Formerly, Mr. President had received the Committee’s ‘Peace Prize,’ which it apparently gives out to people it merely likes, not to those who are actively trying to make the world a more peaceful place. “The current American president has done an amazing job in reducing Syria to rubble using an illegal bombing campaign,” said Denmark’s prince Gusdav Kleimenhamerstin IV, head of the Noble Committee. “His valiant efforts to subjugate the leadership of Syria under the American bootheel alone prove he deserves this medal; his determined campaign to install a Rothschild-run central bank in said country is, as Americans say, just ‘the icing on top of the cake’ - good, of course, for the half million of us who are already incredibly rich but very very bad for the roughly seven billion other sad cunts alive today.” Due to an apparent scheduling conflict related to his efforts to help a buddy get into office too, the current Ynki president regrets to announce he will be accepting his ‘War Prize’ via an appointed peon.

© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥

Nobel retrieves medal

After realizing it had prematurely bestowed its Peace Prize on a fear-mongering, death-dealing war criminal named president Barrack Hussein Obama, the Nobel committee sailed from Helsinki, Finland with the sole purpose of taking the metal disk back. “We made a grave mistake when we handed out this medal,” said Eslaff Thuirn, temporary midshipman and longtime head of Friends of the Nobel Peace Prize, a non-profit watchdog group. “Peace prizes are only for persons who love peace: Mr. Obama has proven that he is willing to kill and maim individuals living in nations with which the United States of America is not at war, and that he relishes in ending the lives of emergency responders as well as innocent women and children. Hopefully, he will understand the notion of Paradox and relinquish the medal without struggle.”

Upon hearing the news, president Obama took his Nobel Peace Prize from where it had been hanging on a wall next to half of a roadkilled squirrel and a shredded paper crown from his favorite fast-food joint and used a permanent marker to draw a Hitler-style mustache on the cast likeness of Mr. Nobel himself. “Fuck all those bitches!” Barack Hussein said with glee, leaping up from his desecration so as to order a drone-strike against the ship carrying the Nobel committee, as they had just entered international waters and clearly and presently threatened the last, tattered remnants of his pride.

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