Citing in its abstract the Seditious or Unreasonable Speeking & Pondering Act of 1794, sitting U.S. President Chump signed an executive order today banning public expression of opinions that appear to criticize him or the legitimacy of his presidency. “Today, we return America to the tremendous days of our tremendous forebears,” Chump typed, mumbling into a half-eaten tuna sandwich while having his humanoid skin-suit professionally steamed by a member of his alien race. “Make sure you hit the eyeholes hard, X’x’chuuuukkkkk, they’re all wrinkled and white,” the commander-in-chief said, his six insectile walking-limbs waving lazily up toward the ceiling of the Oval Office. Returning his attention to the handheld communications device gripped weakly by his tiny left foreclaw, the Beta Centaurian spoke aloud whilst preparing to post to a popular micro-blogging website. “Anyone who says anything bad about me is going to jail, just like our fantastic Founding Fathers - really, really fantastic people, I gotta tell you - would have wanted it.”
Distracted for 32 minutes by a cluster of lice that was busy colonizing his anal tract, Chump then finished chirping about his new executive order by claiming, “I’m the best, the very best, the most awesome and good human being (I’m 100% human, by the way) that’s ever lived, and if anyone doesn’t agree with any of my statements he totally needs to go to jail or be shot, whichever comes first.” After word of the dissent ban leaked to the public, 17 university professors across the country died publicly of purposeful self-immolation. Upon hearing of the nearly two-score suicides, the 45th President vibrated his eating-mandibles with apparent, sickening glee.
JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥
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