Michigan goes biblical

In a landmark act of religious extremism, the U.S. state of Michigan passed laws yesterday to establish Old Testament, Christian rule over its people. “With the blessing of the holy father, we've added these riders to House Bill HMR.447.42, thus returning the rites, customs, and institutions of this great state back to where they belong – the Bronze Age,” said House Speaker Ruth Geihrtruud (R), of Grand Rapids. “Accordingly, any farmer who sows more than one crop in the same field must be killed; anybody wearing clothing woven from two different materials must be put to the knife; any child that curses his parents must hang until deceased; anyone who eats a cheeseburger must perish; any man who trims the edges of his beard and any woman who speaks in church will suffer an ultimate punishment – the swift and brutal cessation of his or her life.” Much like Daesh (ISIS), which intends to impose an Islamic caliphate across the Middle East – and thence, the world – the state of Michigan has abandoned all reason as well as the principle of the separation of church and state by forcing its citizens to live according to the rules of one religion, in particular. “There are roughly 610 ironclad rules for virtuous living found in the holy text,” continued Geihrtruud, who has since her teenage years spent every period of menstruation in a shack far removed from the rest of humanity, as Yahweh intended. “Disobedient slaves, practicing sodomists, and people who seek psychological help will be wiped from the face of the earth so as to ensure that we righteous few who believe in the true word of god might live our lives as the holy father intended – free to do unto others as he commanded, and in so doing, to create a new Jerusalem on these shores and secure for ourselves a seat by his side, in heaven.” Immediately after the passage of House Bill HMR.447.42, squads of armed Christian zealots set about destroying places of false idol worship across the Wolverine State, among them mosques, synagogues, and shrines erected in honor of the state's football mascots.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥