BMG book recall

The Bertlesman Group (BMG) issued a recall today of approximately 1000,000 books.
As of press-time, our agency has received unsubstantiated reports of books bursting into flames when placed next to caustic household objects, such as bleach and ammonia.
At a press conference this evening, the VP of marketing for BMG, Samuel Chryst, approached the subject with caution, urging customers not to overreact.
"It seems as if there is a chemical reaction occurring when the books are exposed to bi- trimethyl - godammit, I'm not a chemist. Please, just don't store any books printed in the last two months in your fucking chemical closets," Chryst said. He then immediately asked an aide, "do people even have chemical closets anymore? What kind of idiot stores books in a closet, anyway?"
The books appear to be contaminated with an substance that ignites when placed in an enclosed area alongside common cleaning materials and then exposed to sunlight.
"I was reading the newest edition of 'Going Rogue', sitting in my sunroom, when I started smelling smoke. I thought the roast was burning, but it was the book smoldering in my lap," 80 year old Margaret Vills said. Vills claims that the book kept burning even after she doused it with the garden hose.
It is unclear how this recall will affect the company's sagging sales. A rise in internet viewership and the arrival of electronic books, or e-books, on the scene is crippling BMG's ability to compete in an over-saturated market. To further complicate the matter, the US Postal Service (USPS) issued a statement warning customers not to return the books by mail due to their hazardous nature.
"I don't want want these things starting fires in our sorting facilities," an anonymous USPS employee said late Wednesday. "We have enough problem with idiots bringing fucking guns in here."
Preliminary reports show that all books printed by BMG or its subsidiaries since December of 2009 are contaminated.
A call to the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to inquire if the contamination was possibly a terrorist plot went unanswered.
"All I wanted to do was learn how to program my new Mac," Delaware resident Jason M. said. "But my 'Idiot's Guide to Macs' just burned my house down. Now I need a new Mac and a new house. Somebody's gonna fucking pay for this."