hope springs eternal

I feel lethal. On the verge of frenzy.

But at the same time, I am sad. To the core sad, like that dog in Japan waiting for his master, who had died weeks before at work. Still waiting. Ever faithful. Recently, I found myself at an internal crossroads of sorts. I was ready to abandon, actually I was deathly afraid I had already abandoned by goodness, my inner purity and selflessness. In a sense, this is true. I have had to abandon much of my innocence to make it this far, but last night I found myself able to abandon more. I hope I kept what was left. To lose that too, to become self-centered, selfish, oblivious to others’ feelings, to lack empathy, would leave me a shell.

I am sad for the girl I wish to make happy, but can’t, because I’m poor. It hurts when she won’t be close, when she keeps herself closed, guarded. I stand there, unsure what to do with my hands, wanting so badly to hold her, to stroke her hair, her face. But the vast majority of my tender advances of late have been met with indifference, a tense patience. So after a few tries I stop, cursing myself, whipping myself inside for pushing too much, for not being the cool motherfucker who doesn’t fucking care that she exists, that she is hurting too. Would I be that person? I could, but I chose not to. Oh, I hope I chose not to.

And I cannot change it. While her old friend is here, her time is taken, and I can only so many times tell her I love her without her saying it first for a change. So I stop. Stop saying it. Turn off the pipe again that makes me want to say it. And that makes me saddest of all, sometimes.

Sad at myself for feeling sad about this. Sad for not having the stuff to keep my job, for losing it, for having to find a new one. Had I only done so many things differently, had I not binged and blown thousands of dollars on drugs when I first got to this city of such vast potential. What would have happened? Would I be happier now? Will I know not to make the same poor decisions in the future? I hope so.

There it is. Hope. But hope dies in the face of humanity, in the harsh breath of selfishness. Hope should be altruistic, communal. Hope is the bread of those who cannot feed themselves off of the flesh of action, who cannot bring themselves to look beyond the moment, and see the forest through the trees. Hope is a crutch for those incapable of seeing action through to a desired end.

I hope. Still now. And hope springs eternal. Mahalo. Be safe. Love JP