Can I blame myself, can I lash out at my soul, beating the caring, loving side into the background, for to gain and sustain a functioning, self- and mutually beneficial relationship with a member of the opposet sex with whom I desire more than a platonic or friendly relationship? Is that the path I must choose, constantly suppressing the side that seeks love, compassion, that will initiate closeness, that does not shy from opening up?
Can I, as I see men around me do, my roommate, the hot bartender's boyfriend, the boss-to-be-avoided at work, simply remain numb, seemingly disinterested in affection, in sharing passion? Does this put my in an inferior position, baring my soul such, asking for affection when it tugs at my strings, saying I love you, having watched her simply cooking and finding myself overcome by that powerful emotion?
In so many relationships, it seems that the man is either the bitch, or he has buried his feelings and any potential drive for simple affection, not just fucking, so deep in the depths of his soul, urged on by advertising and a common understanding that guys just don't fucking do that kind of shit?
I don't fucking care if I'm seen as a schoolboy bitch. If I crave some fucking affection, I'll get it from my girl.
But if I were to not openly request it, if I were to beat the sorry sombitch back onto his side on every occasion, eventually he'd stop coming out, or at least get sick and tired of the lashings and retreat, planning a possible return. What does this do to my position, when I initiate?
If I don't, if I let her do it, let her come to me when she's feeling like a hug, when she's feeling like she needs to touch me more than just as a precursor to intercourse, will she still love me, will she find herself frustrated that she's not getting the affection she needs, and seek it elsewhere?
I hazard that, regardless of levels of affection or sex, there are so many different and varied reasons that can drive a woman to another man, or woman, that any discussion should be restricted to an individual basis. It's chicken and egg.
However, can i more tightly bind the woman to myself, by remaining stoic and disinterested in extra-sexual affection, forcing her into my arms on occasion, forcing her to seek my touch, forcing her to take the initiative, should she feel the need for a hug. Is it worth it, if it becomes an annoyance, or if she outright says that I may not, so as not to scare her?
I can beat the love back, remain neutral, quick and loose, ready to jump ship, or not call her days, at the drop of a hat. But, perhaps despite myself, perhaps as a natural occurrence, the feelings eventually start seeping through, and the love becomes harder to ignore, harder to dismiss, harder, even, to forcibly abate.
How much of myself do I sacrifice, when I give in to the loving feeling, or when I work to keep it down? Is it worth the pain of loss when things completely fail? Is it worth the numbness when she asks you to draw it in, when you're perhaps trying to use it to compensate when you feel her pull back, when she is upset and maybe just needs som time to herself? Because, once the flensing begins, it lasts for some time, and you might just one day cut too deep.
Perhaps you already have.
Pedaling through the SoCal sun, on my way to see a movie I vaguely remember from a taped broadcasting, played over the car speakers on a family vacation, I see before me the faces and a snapshot of those who came before the last, and every time, with every breif glimpse into loves past, I feel the tug of that love, of an emotion uploaded, to rest on the subconscious, in ambush, but still hardly felt.
Hardly at all does it get past the barriers, past the failsafes and redoubts, the firewalls put up following those times when I was on the receiving end, when it was my heart that was broken, not the other way around.
Will the scars heal? Will the great gaping hole, filled somewhat these past four years, encourage me to retain fully the self, not giving so much love so quickly? Can I respect myself if I continue to run from self-respect, if I continue to blame my predicaments on losses past, continue to justify seeking an excuse why I can't do something, or why I should not be blamed when my fault is clear, just because I gave up, that night at the dinner table, with two whom I love till death daring not to leave, for fear of his wrath? Is it that pivotal event, when I relented under the dragon's pressure, instead of digging in my heels, brandishing words as my sword, taking the brunt of his force and turning it back on him, sending the two off, and making it clear to him that Homie don't play that, that yes I fucked up, big time, but I would take my licks, and keep on ticking?
I did not make it clear then and there, wish I had. But have of late, of the past week, come to see the need for accepting responsibility, for standing up and saying, yeah that was me. I did that. I knew it was a crime, but I did it anyway.
For what use to preserve the self, if it has been hidden form view in a veil of lies, hidden from true recognition by attempts to shift blame?
What use?
verse 22, Lao Tze, Tao Te Ching (John C. H. Wu, translator)
He does not make a show of himself,
Hence he shines;
He does not justify himself,
Hence he becomes known;
Does not boast of his ability,
Hence he gets his credit;
Does not brandish his success,
Hence he endures;
Does not compete with anyone,
Hence no one can compete with him.
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